Pilar and Tim have a meta conversation about conversations. Participating in a good conversation means we listen, we get to talk, we feel heard, we deepen our understanding of a topic and we build connection with the other person.

However not all conversations are created equal. Sometimes we are in a glorious free flowing exchange of ideas and other times we have internal dialogues about the conversation running parallel with the conversation itself.

“Am I talking too much?” or

“Are they talking enough?” or

“Is this conversation going the way I/they wanted it to?” or even

“Are they paying attention?”

Paying attention is important, let’s not get too caught up in our meta thoughts that we forget to be present and attentive! As you can see, there is a lot going on. Luckily the Management Cafe is a safe space for deep thinking and discussion…

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01:50 mins Managers should be paying attention to how things are flowing and they should avoid dominating conversations.

3:45 Managers also need to be wary of dominating conversations. Especially because their direct reports might be deferential to them.

4:40 Pilar suggests that the person who initiates or leads the conversation is normally the one who pays closest attention to the dynamics. Tim agrees, but feels managers always have an additional responsibility to role model and encourage good communication. Not just so their own conversations go well, but also so that good behaviours ripple out through their teams.

7:25 Dominating a conversation doesn’t necessarily involve talking a lot. And someone might talk a lot without wanting to dominate.

8:15 People also have their own habits and patterns they bring with them. For example, Tim has a tendency to “think out loud” and lose track of the conversation as he gets excited.

9:30 Conversations, regardless of what we are talking about, are always an opportunity to build relationships.

10:30 Tim shares how he used to shut down one of his direct reports who had lots of opinions. But over time he realised he valued their independent thinking and shutting them down was also limiting their contribution.

12:00 Pilar relates to this especially from her past as a theatre director. A director can’t listen to everyone – the whole piece needs coherence.

13:15 This is a common tension: we want people to be engaged and interested but within reason. As managers we can carefully establish boundaries so people understand that whilst we value them and their opinion, it isn’t the right time for their input just now.

15:00 Managers can set “rules of collaboration” so their teams understand the norms of behaviour. And this is the sort of meta stuff we’re thinking about in conversations. Are the individuals and teams we manage behaving in the ways that we want? How can we encourage and reward good behaviours in their everyday actions and discussions?

16:30 Contribution or involvement can look different for different people. Maybe they take notes instead of talking. Maybe they listen until their thoughts are clear and then they start speaking.

17:00 Having everyone contribute to a conversation in terms of “time spent speaking” does not mean everyone had an equal contribution. Some people need 10 minutes, others only need 3.

18:45 Interesting things happen when we go against our default behaviour and see what changes.

19:55 Tim recounts a story of a CEO who would gradually move further and further back during a meeting. For him a successful meeting was one where he didn’t need to say anything. Pilar highlights that this is the facilitator’s role – to just guide the conversation.

22:00 We’ll cover the dynamics of group conversations in a future episode

What about you, dear listener? How do you approach individual conversations? We’d love to hear from you!
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